CHAPTER 3

DEFINING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT IN YOUR DATING JOURNEY

Introduction: The Importance of Clarity in Dating

As Dr. Myles Munroe famously stated, "When the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is inevitable." If you do not know what you want, you are bound to accept whatever comes your way. The journey of love demands both sanity and clear purpose. Your dream family can only be actualized by establishing and upholding firm standards.

What are your standards? Keep them clear in your mind and never let the opinions of others cloud your judgment when entering a relationship. Understand that your relationship is unique and incomparable. When you know precisely what you want, it becomes much easier to identify what you do not want.

God says in Deuteronomy 32:28 (English Standard Version): "For they are a nation void of counsel, and there is no understanding in them." A godly family begins by seeking God's counsel—for unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. What are you building? Are you building a lasting family, or are you simply killing time? Time lost can never be recovered.

Understanding Yourself

First things first: have you truly discovered yourself? The quality of your future marriage depends directly on the state of your mindset, as a poor mindset yields poor results. Assess how fit or ready you are to build a family. Life is governed by standards and laws. Just as a person must reach a certain age to be regarded as an adult, someone dating with marriage in mind should look and act like someone genuinely ready to build a household.

We all know that growth is intentional—you do not grow like a tree by accident; you grow by consuming information that nurtures what you want to build.

Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence

Reflecting on Past Relationships and Lessons Learned

Identify your personal core values and deal-breakers. What happened in your past relationships, and how have they impacted your life? Until you can answer these questions honestly, recognize that you may not be ready to date again. Never enter a relationship with fresh wounds; allow those wounds to heal first so you can start anew.

Many marriages fail because they are built on cracked foundations. What does the foundation you are building upon look like? Do not shoot yourself in the foot by neglecting self-introspection. Drivers know that checking oil and water levels is a necessity before embarking on a long journey. How ready are you for your love journey, and what have you learned from the experiences of others?

Birds build their nests using other birds' feathers. For you to establish a comfortable place you can truly call a home or family, learn from the love stories and life lessons of others.

Distinguishing Between Needs and Wants

Needs: Non-negotiables that align with your core values.

Your non-negotiables are the pillars of your relationship. Do not be like Esau; never trade your God-given birthright and virtues for a temporary bowl of soup. When building families, maintaining priorities is crucial. What are you truly comfortable with? For example, if you want to marry someone who already has children, what price are you willing to pay? This is why learning from other people's love stories is invaluable—we are shaped by the wisdom of others.

Wants: Flexible preferences that enrich but do not define the relationship.

In life, there are many things that do not define a person's core character. These are preferences you can live without, and they hold little weight in the grand scheme of life. Do not swap your needs for superficial wants. Your needs define your relationship; your wants do not. While you might pick a life partner based on physical attributes, please note: we have no statistical evidence of marriages failing solely because of a partner's shape or size.

Strong marriages are built on honesty, transparency, love, accountability, and truthfulness—these are the bedrock of life. Families are the foundational building blocks of society; we are shaped by where we come from. Furthermore, let us highlight education and personal empowerment as vital values. What you value, you prioritize. Many destinies are eroded because people fail to uphold their values. If a relationship fails, what is your backup plan? Will you be completely stranded, or will you focus on your personal growth and career? While it is entirely possible to live a fulfilled life without a partner, building strong skill sets and self-reliance remains an absolute priority.

Exploring Different Relationship Goals: Casual Dating vs. Serious Commitments

Casual dating often wastes precious time and prematurely stirs romantic emotions. Young people are wise to guard their hearts, as Song of Solomon 8:4 (Revised Geneva Translation) advises: "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you neither stir up nor awaken my love until she pleases."

Romantic love should not be prematurely pursued or forced; it should be allowed to develop naturally at its own pace. This highlights the importance of timing and patience, reminding us that there is a proper season for romance and it should never be rushed. Allow love to grow organically, because half-cooked love leads only to frustration and disappointment. Casual dating is a dream-killer—the time you should spend investing in something meaningful is lost pursuing things that add no real value to your life.

Serious dating, on the other hand, is built on intention: what do you want to achieve by being in a relationship? Are you just killing time, or do you want to add lasting value to society? Whatever you choose, understand that your choices affect those around you. Behavior is contagious, and people emulate what they see. Consider school-going children, who naturally emulate their teachers. Serious dating requires a meaningful investment of time, emotion, and other vital resources.